Harry Potter and the Pathetic Excuse for a Wizard
by celeria
Summary: Really stupid humour, set during GoF, specifically Chapter Thirty-Two: Flesh, Blood, and Bone. You'll recognize the introductory line, it comes straight from the goddess JKR herself. No spoilers for OotP.


This really isn't nearly as hilarious as I thought it was when the idea came to me, but I sort of like it anyway. As anyone will tell you, I don't really write humour, and as a result this is attempting to be humour with a touch of my usual depressing-ness.

Set during GoF, specifically Chapter Thirty-Two: Flesh, Blood, and Bone. You'll recognize the introductory line, it comes straight from the goddess JKR herself. No spoilers for OotP.

The rather lengthy title was suggested by a passing comment on mieko belle's livejournal, that OotP might as well have been titled _Harry Potter and the Really Nasty Headache_.

* * *

From far away, above his head, he heard a high, cold voice say, "_Kill the spare_."

A swishing noise and a second voice, one that he recognized, one that he didn't want to recognize, which screeched the words to the night:  "_Avada__ Kedavra_!"

A blast of green light blazed through Harry's eyelids, and he heard something heavy fall to the ground beside him; the pain in his scar reached such a pitch that he retched, and then it diminished; terrified of what he was about to see, he opened his stinging eyes.

Cedric was lying spread-eagled on the ground beside him.  Harry leaned over him immediately, panicked, fearing the worst, fearing what he would see, he had never seen a person murdered by the Killing Curse before …

On the ground Cedric's body gave a final little jerk, and then he lifted his head and gave it a quick, annoyed shake.  "Aye!  I just hate the feeling you get when a Squib tries to cruse you, don't you?"

"I – "  Harry was speechless.  "I, erm, I – hey, what do you mean, a Squib?  He's not …"

"_Avada__ Kedavra_!"  The squeaky words were roaring across the barren graveyard, a noise of embarrassed panic starting to ring in his voice.  "A – ava – avada – !"

"Okay, maybe he's not a Squib," Cedric confessed, squinting to see that the man Harry fully recognized as Wormtail was indeed trying to hold the wand properly.  Feeble sparks of green were dribbling from the tip of the wand.  "But he's still trying to use an Unforgivable Curse, which means I think we should get out of here, you reckon?"

"Yeah," Harry agreed gratefully, glancing over his shoulder.  "Get back to the Portkey?"

"We'd better.  You haven't got your Apparation test yet, have you?"

"You can't Apparate inside the Hogwarts grounds, as Hermione keeps reminding me."  Harry glanced back again to where he could still see faint green sparkles in the gray haze.  "He's not a Squib, Cedric."

"He's not?  Coulda fooled me.  When a Squib tries to curse you, you know, you get a funny cold tingly feeling in you.  And they hold the wand a certain way – they sorta jab it, you know the way Filch waves his mop handle at people?  Like that.  'Course, sometimes it just happens when real wizards try to use a wand that's not theirs …" 

Harry was nodding, his short legs churning to keep up with Cedric's longer ones, when suddenly the first voice boomed out over the dim landscape.

"YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A WIZARD!"

"My Lord, I am sorry – forgive me – please excuse me – "

"Oh, I'll excuse you, Wormtail," growled the high, cold voice.  "No good Almost-Squib … what I would do for a better servant … don't give me that look, you brainless little rat-worm, I don't care if you're not Bartman, you could at least master a simple Killing Curse!"

"Master, I am sorry – _so_ sorry – I will do better – I intend to do better – "

"I am sure you have the best of intentions," the voice said coolly.  "Now put those intentions to work, you bloody incompetent fool – after them!  Do you hear me!  Stun him!  Stun them both!"

Harry broke into a run, knowing that Cedric, with his longer legs, was well ahead of him.  Behind them he could hear Wormtail squeaking "Stoo – stoop-fy!  Stooooop-fy!"  Dimly he remembered learning _Wingardium__ Leviosa_ back in first year, Hermione complaining to Ron, "_You're saying it wrong.  It's Wing-_gar_-dium Levi-_o_-sa, make the 'gar' nice and long._"

"Impimenta!  Impimenta!"

Harry began to snicker.  He really didn't mean to, as Voldemort chasing you wasn't a laughing matter, but the ridiculousness of the situation was tickling at his ribs.  The awful irony of the fact that Wormtail, the incompetent one, was obviously still very much alive, while his three closest friends from Hogwarts were either dead or in hiding, and yet he couldn't even manage a Stunning spell – well, it really was funny, in a bloody twisted way …

He was still laughing when Cedric fell in front of him.

_finis__ (as if you'd really want more of my pathetic humour)_


End file.
